Surviving Your Asshole: Take It From The Asshole Expert

I am indebted to the Grand Master of studying assholes.

Yes, there is actually such a dude. His name is Professor Robert Sutton of Stanford University and he’s devoted four decades to empirically and objectively analysing the phenomenon that are behavioural assholes and jerks in modern workplaces.

His 2017 book “The Asshole Survival Guide” should be required reading for all of us in the world of work, be it public sector, SMEs, corporates or NGOs. Through its handy insights and practical management tips, the application of Sutton’s expertise would save our society many millions in avoided stress leave, premature job departure, and lost productivity.

I know because I hadn’t read his book before encountering the first major asshole of a long career. My own asshole-extraordinaire cost me:

· A job whose purpose I was passionate about;

· Mental and emotional distress;

· Huge set-back in confidence as a leader and manager

· Money in lost wages, and;

· Reputational damage.

It wasn’t fun. But you know what? It made me more emotionally aware and mindful, and set me up for a great new phase of life, especially my current charitable involvements, my new start-up recycling business, and the words I scribble here!

Frankly, it was my own damned fault because I didn’t read the asshole’s signs, prepare and accordingly respond to awful behaviour directed at not only me but many others. The only reality we truly control is in our own heads and that’s our responsibility to do.

That’s where Sutton starts: what’s my role in this? He offers: “Be slow to label others as assholes. Be quick to label yourself as one.”

He suggests that everything begins with clear and honest awareness of both self and situation. A quick extrapolated ‘audit’ might be:

· In this situation, has my behaviour been fully professional and ‘non-personal’?

· Am I taking full responsibility for my own feelings and biases?

· How bad is this situation really? Or, is it temporary or have some logical cause?

· Is the asshole’s behaviour directed at me alone or others too?

· Is this about an individual or a system?

· What is the power relationship between me and the asshole, and therefore my options?

· What is the real extent of my suffering?

But Sutton is a responsible and scientific kinda guy and he asks to double-check using more asshole determinants. He urges us to:

· Check the potential asshole’s ‘references’ and form with past colleagues.

· Evaluate our 1st and 2nd impressions of the potential asshole (which are usually very accurate).

· Observe if there is a lack of basic courtesies.

· Observe if the communication style is ‘all transmission — no reception’.

If you’ve cleared these thresholds and really established that “yup, I’ve got myself a 100% certifiable asshole” — in some part independent of your own actions and attitudes — Sutton counsels us in techniques for managing our assholes.

They are the utmost common sense, but as he points out, sometimes when dealing with assholes we are deeply in denial and basically blind to the obvious of what’s going on and what we need to do.

I’ve road-tested these myself, talked to others who also support their effectiveness, and it’s good to know there’s thousands of Excel spreadsheets of data to support them:

· Don’t call an arsehole an arsehole. Most want precisely that attention, validation and acknowledgement of their implicit power over you.

· Duck for cover: limit physical contact, keep distance. Sutton has proof that shifting an asshole’s location in an office can lift its entire morale.

· ”The rhythm method”: slow your responses to messages, emails, meeting requests etc.

· Wear an invisibility cloak: be boring, say little, provide little content for conflict.

· ‘Tag team’: engage allies to help out as you’re no doubt not alone.

· Safety zone: debriefing with others.

If you take Sutton’s logic further, one conclusion is: sometimes, if you can afford it on a variety of levels, it’s best to quit. Winners can and do quit, and it can take real guts to do so. Or, as we used to call it in the Army, perform a ‘strategic advance to the rear’ (where there is safety, sanity and a future).

It’s hard to top Sutton, but I’d add one to his excellent list.

That is ‘anicca’ which is a term in Pali, the language of Buddhism, that means ‘impermanence’. Eg, know that this too shall pass. And by having some wisdom and strategies about your local asshole, it will no doubt pass faster.